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I have always been a sickly child and have had the majority of illnesses, immune system weak and bad circulation, all bearable, that is until I put my feet on you and you feel blocks of ice.

Turned vegetarian of my own accord at the age of 8, as I went off meat before I knew where it came from, so apart from wrapping up warm and avoiding animals that did not breathe, I tried to be a happy, caring individual who helped everyone and tried not to get stressed.

In June 1998 I started to feel ill and very tired all the time, thinking it was because I was working for a company that was using Trichloroethylene with out the proper ventilation system and even wiped things down by hand with it straight from the drum with gloves but no masks. I soon after this left the company and went back to make stained glass windows, it was a few months on and I started to notice that things I once saw very clearly became blurred.  As the tiredness kept getting worse the doctors kept testing me for anaemia, so I started to drink lucazade and eat glucose tablets along with the iron pills to keep me going, then the first set in, I have never known anything like it, I did not want the drink, I needed the drink and downed it like no ones business, hence needing the loo, as always but more often and desperately, I could not even go 15 miles with out needing it, so if I wanted to go into the city, I use to time it with pub opening times so I could stop off on the way through.

My life started to be nightmare; I would not go any where or do anything apart from work.

Week after week I was in and out of the doctors having blood tests for three months, asking do I have diabetes, no they kept saying you have no keatones, right so Im blind as a bat driving, drinking more then a camel, tired all the time, and I never sleep in the day, Im a night owl, and peeing a lot, hello.

Eventually they got so feed up with me that on the next blood test he said, ok I will tick sugar levels, this is now November.  The next week I get a phone, Hi can you please come into the surgery.  This is it I though, I can never eat chocolate again, if that was my only worry.

So off I go, stopping of at the chemist before and grabbed a Ribena and a twix bar, shovelling it in to be defiantly in the surgery. Then they take me into a room, prick my finger and tell me that my sugars are hi. WHY THE HELL DID YOU NOT DO THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE YOU MOROONS.

I was 30.3 plus awaiting the twix and drink to kick in, as I came out of the doctors room I saw a lady I knew from the village “oh my god whats up” she said , Im a diabetic I sobbed uncontrollably.

A tear sodden me, drove round the corner to my partners house, met his sister and waited for him to take me to A & E, well I had suffered this long an other hour or so is not going to make any difference, beside it was dark and I could not see 5ft ahead of me.

Once at the hospital, guess they were waiting for me, rushed through and insulin injected into me, first thing I said 10 minutes later, I can see again.  This was a Friday night, a consultant was suppose to come and see me, no its the weekend, he didn’t come round until Tuesday.

As much as I hated it in the hospital surrounded by 3 elderly ladies that died, I did meet a very special person, who I befriended and she taught me how to play scramble at the age of 18, how bad is that, never the less we are both ill with different things and often snuck out for a crafty cigarette, at this point the stress will kill me quicker, unless the hospital bugs get me.

I was in hospital learning lines for an am dram production as Cinderella, which was in the January, my friend came with her sister and her children to watch, we met up a few more times you know how lie is and she sadly passed away later that year I think, she ad a condition where the more exercise you do the more fluid fills up in you, but she had a great sense of humour and I will never forget her telling me that when she thinks she may get lucky, it means she does not have to do any house work as it is exertion and start her fluids off.

And there is me think I have it bad.

 

Any way on the Saturday in hospital the nurses say you have to learn to inject yourself, I have a few piercings so needles are not a problem and I am so Pi**ed of by now and look like Quasimodo because of all the crying that I grab the needle and ram it into my leg, there can I go home now. NO, Mr I don’t work over the weekends is not here to check you over. I have a Levellers concert to go to on the Tuesday night so Im going if he has been or not.

 

It first hit me went I was at the concert, I went to the bar with my partner, looked at him and said “ I don’t know what I can drink” luckily he had know someone with diabetes for years and knew a little about it and replied what you always drink, diet coke, normal makes my teeth squeak, good job I cut my sugars in my tea from 4 to 1 before I became sugarly challenged.

So in 1998 November 24^th I started on 6 Units of Human Mixitard 30 in the mornings and same at night.

The mood swings and the tantrums, flying of the handle at every little thing, busting in to tears all the time, its like being permanently on a diet and pmt all the time, I cant handle living with me let alone friends, family and partner.

I remember my first Hypo, sitting there just sewing or trying to hand sew neatly, and I feel like I have been hit across the back of the head with a cricket bat, then as though some one has just walked over my grave followed by hot sweats and then the shaking starts, Im a giant vibrator, this could make sex interesting, that’s before I pass out into a coma I thought.  I had glucose tablets at hand but felt sending mum down the shops for some chocolate would be a better idea, but chocolates not all that great when you have to eat it especially in a hurry, takes all the fun away.

A few years go pass and my overall blood count is not looking good, I go from an average of 6. something into the 12’s, so they adjust my insulin, change my insulin, which made me worse then say I refuse to change insulins.

I creep up to 3 injections a day, change to nova rapid, then Im introduced to a 24 hour insulin Lantus and 4 injections a day. I was suicidal at 3 injections let alone four, I feel trapped my routine I would not mind if I actually felt healthy by trying to keep myself alive but I feel like crap every day and have to fight and push myself all the time. I just want to sleep, I ache all over and my muscle knot up all down my back because of lymph glands, reactors in the brain, nerve endings all doing their part in trying to keep up. The head wants to get up and do things but the body is definitely not willing, so do I still try and fight it, make myself do things and possible make myself even more worse of or do I rest. I DON’T KNOW. Tried both same result total exhaustion.

A few more years pass, I started to suffer with hot sweats with excessive sweating, even I could not stand near my armpits and I had only washed them half an hour ago, like a rubbery cat pee smell, its disgusting, wanting to pass out, constant shaking like hypos all the time, admittedly I was very stressed at work, I started to drink more vodka because I just could not handle anything, escapism is a wonderful thing when you have a hangover.

I kept asking the diabetic clinic about all these things, don’t know they said one of those things they said, so I said is it the insulin, oh know that wont effect you. WRONG. Had it not of been for my new partner being a salesman (that’s not the point) and talking to a customer who started having the same symptoms I would not have twigged it was indeed the Lantus 24 hour insulin.  On the internet I go and on the phone to Diabetes UK there is another 24 hour insulin called Levemir.

I collate my information about side effects of Lantus which is similar to Hypo symptoms and confront one of the diabetic nurses, can I please swap and try this one, yes they are trying to swap every one over anyway. HOW MUCH DO THESE GUYS GET PAID TO MESS ABOUT WITH OUR MEDICATION FOR THEIR OWN GRATIFICATION. I had to change insulin once as they had discontinued the one I was used to, luckily I don’t think that one effected me.

Having been on Levemir for a year or two now the sweats are minimal, my whole body went cold again with in 24 hours, not that I like being cold its just I knew things were getting back to normal and I was not trying to pass out anymore. A slight success.

They did want to put me on 5 injections a day, well I politely-ish told them an answer and have carried on with 4 now currently taking 4u nova rapid morning 4 u Lunch approx 18u evening and 20u Levemir before bed. I do hate putting a needle in myself if I can not stick a lump of metal through afterwards, it’s a waste of a needle and a pointless exercise.

 

So nearly 10 years on fighting bouts of depression with out antidepressants as all the doctors keep trying to throw at me, just walking in to the diabetic clinic is enough to make you want to die, its so stagnant in there, plus the text book consultants they keep trying to get you to go on this dafne course for 5 days, I say if you pay me to take the time of work I will go. Basically ask for a food sheet, it’s the total amount of carbohydrates you eat in one sitting you have to work out how much insulin you will need, chips are evil as they do not release in to the blood system straight away they wait 15-30 mins then hit you all at once, so from injecting to eating chips you could have a hypo as the sugars have not hit yet, sp while you treat the hypo the chip sugar kicks in and whammy, you are sky high, pasta is another one but not as bad, it’s a slow releasing carbohydrate.

 

It has taken me over 3 years to get an answer from the eye chap to confirm if diabetes can have laser eye treatment, I am feed up with having 4 eyes and steaming up when I walk indoors, not being able to watch a 42 inch television with out glasses 6ft away from me. The answer is yes but the way you can have eye surgery.

 

As I am a bit of a vodka vulture I did admit that I had stopped binge drinking at a weekend and now spread it out nearly every night, so constantly binge drinking, it’s a two edge sword or in my case my glass has a hole in it and my liver is evil it must be punished. No I said this may be a reason my sugars are all over the place in the mornings, I also asked why after a few does my levels go low, then a few more say, they go up, I was told that vodka has no carbohydrate in it, depending what you mix it with, in my case diet coke, so there was not explanation they could give me and warned me to eat something before I sleep in case I fall in to a alcoholic hypo and not wake up. But if vodka is made from potatoes or grain surely it has carbs??

 

One of the scariest things about having a hypo is, if it creeps up on you and attacks quickly, it seems to take longer to go, this can depend at what and how long your levels have been running at to when you have a hypo as well, by it gives you sea legs, I often find I have to crawl to the kitchen to find sugar, I have a concrete floor which is nice to lay on in a hypo due to the sweats. The clinic tell me that people get aggressive while going through hypoglycaemia, I on the other hand, feel slightly panicked, and suicidal, I have to force myself to eat anything as when you have a hypo the brain starts to shut down and send me into a almost euphoric state, as you gently start shaking you just feel like you are slipping away and want to go to sleep, that’s when you have half a brain and have to make a decision to eat or not, fun hey. This is after being smacked round the head by a cricket bat, waking over your grave and start shaking before your legs go to mush.

 

I personally have my death planned out, first, surround yourself with tnt, eat as much chocolate you can, all the things you have had to restrict yourself with, until you want to pass out, then light up a cigarette and kaboom, death by chocolate with out the baking and electricity bill, perfecto.

 

On thing diabetes does give some people, well maybe just me, but if I tell you it may help some one, it’s the weight gain issue, for years they said no weight gain, crap, Lantus is a bugger for it, Levemir neither adds nor looses but it does steady your weight out. When you first get diabetes, many people lose weight, as diabetes usually is contracted through being over weight and diet and all that jazz, I weighed 7 stone, I could not physically lose any more weight, but I did lose height, my feet shrunk and my fingers went slightly thinner, I still have chubbers but not as chubby.

Also the amount of insulin you take can make you feel like a failure when you have to up it, you think oh my sugars are high im fat, I wont eat so I wont inject. It’s a physiological mind trick, you have to look pass that factor, the body gets use to the insulin and you will have a natural increase as years go on, I am still not fully there but you have to try and ignore the number game in the sugar levels and the units you take because an eating disorder on top of a diabetic diet is not going to do you any favours.

 

Many factors can cause diabetes, and if you ask you will get told, its one of those things. I think to except something you need a cause or a reason, I don’t have one and I don’t think I will ever except the fact I have it, I know I have got it and I deal with in, mostly by ignoring the fact that I have got it until the shakes start and reality kicks in, although I am getting better at it, I think. Indecisive behaviour is also a diabetic trait along with memory loss. I had a memory of an elephant, now I struggle with what I had for breakfast, great for a 28 year old.

 

I know people say live life to each day, and that all very well after you have slogged your guts out at work to pay bills to be knackered and not have the money to live to every day, but it is the nights you worry about, each time you close your eyes you wonder if they will open again in the morning or will you have hypo in your sleep and not wake up to treat it.

 

It does not matter what words you use for diabetes it is still a disease, whether you say, illness, condition, ailment, it is a DISEASE. I do have other symptoms besides diabetes but I am lucky, I could be a lot worse off, and this is something that we all have to remember, what ever your problem, there is always someone worse off, does not help you at the time as this is your particular problem, but when you start to grasp your condition just think of all the other people out there.

 

My Nan is an inspiration, 70 something years old, felt ill one day, doctors came and gave her a steroid injection, silver bullet they use to call it, deteriorated her veins, her legs whet cold, the chiropodist nipped her toe, it went black, doctors filed the note to prescribe antibiotics and she had her toes off, legs still cold they tried angioplasty, several times in each leg, then amputated one leg below the knee, operation a success just did not work for her, veins were to far gone, so they took the leg above the knee, the amputated the second leg the next year.  I don’t know how she done it, but through the anger and the tears she is still here and keeps me smiling and supports me with all her advise and wisdom. A true lady of determination.

 

Do I have a conclusion, not really, it’s a work in progress kind of thing. I bottle it and bottle it till I explode, thinking im the only one going through this and wonder if anyone else is screwed up by diabetes, so I am telling it like it is from this diabetic.

IT SUCKS. Blindness, kidney failure, liver failure, amputation all benefical players in this game and scare tactics the doctors use as well, but not to be sniffed at.

 

I also have a thing on my leg, it started out as a lump by my ankle, much like an eyeball, I massaged it down once, a year later it popped back up, doctors diabetic clinic did not know what it was, soon it moved across my leg to my shin, as skin is closer to the bone and not as fleshy there, it elongated itself, went all bumpy like a mountain range and went angry red, it is call Andy because of its mountainous peaky texture, technical term Necrobiosis lipoidica a skin condition that usually occurs in patients with diabetes occurs in approximately 3% of the diabetic population, with the majority of sufferers being women. But they don’t know the actually link with it to diabetes. They will send you to dermatology who will want to do a punch hole biopsy just to confirm that it is actually necrobiosis, then if it is they will want to put steroid injections into it, having looked it up on the internet, I refused all treatments and would not let them perform the biopsy, for once it blisters and ulcers you are in trouble, best for they have found is UV light therapy, have not tried it, but upping your daily in take of protein through beans and pulses is a start and you can dress it with clear honey for half an hour every night and wash and vitamin e cream, It can go as quick as it appears, Andy has been with me for about 4 years now in his red angry stage and takes on a different colour or shape now and again, did go to a herbalist, but they had never heard of the condition, herbalists treat the patient which in turns treats the symptoms, but I am impatient and at £40 a time to eat squid ink and mercury, I decided to give up.

Mine looks like the left hand side

 

Now im going to have some chocolate after my rant.